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2006-09-04 extremes
Wow, how time flies...
I must say that last year (my years run July to July, birthday to birthday) was the absolute worst and absolute best year in my life so far. The greatest challenge is trying to handle those two realities simultaneously.
I started the year with the best birthday ever - I was so happy I thought I would explode (as evidenced in the 7/05 update). When my husband left on October 28th, I was devastated. Crushed. Destroyed.
I watched one of my favorite movies at least fifty times that month: "Under the Tuscan Sun". I love the lines in the movie where she says, "Do you know what the most suprising thing about divorce is? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish til death do you part, says I never loved you... it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after something like that..."
That is exactly how I felt for the entire year. And still on some days to this day.
However - woven between my many moments of heartache and anguish were strong threads of incredible, overwhelming gratitude. I knew that the only way to my highest joy was to be ripped out of the rut I was in, kicking and screaming, covered in the mud of my mundane existence. And my millions of tears were the only way to wash that mud away. Believe me, knowing that, beyond a doubt, just doesn't make the pain any easier to bear. It's just part of the process.
Now, I find myself continuing to reconcile the extremes of magnificent gratitude mixed with paralyzing lonliness. It's a strange and challenging life lesson.
Of course, the saving grace in this story is that I have my magickal little house on my wonderful ten acres. I am a strong, independent, spiritual woman - which is what I always wanted to be. I am able to work at what I love, and forced to choose exactly what I, and only I, want every day. I have several incredible friends to share my joys and sorrows with - the only thing missing is a person to share affection with, and I can only believe that he will show up when the time is right, when I will no longer be in danger of compromising my independence to be lost in that muddy rut again. The love of my life is now my home, which is made up of a myself, my two dogs and three cats, my house, my pool, hundreds of trees and critters, and my Goddess, who breathes life into it all. Life is good.
And, as many of you know, I had quite an adventure in the hospital(s) this past spring. I spent 4 days in LRMC, needing 5 units of blood and a D&C. Just a few weeks later I was in Florida Hospital in Orlando having a complete hysterectomy, sprinkled with complications that stretched my 3 day stay into 8. I am completely healed now, with a great 8" scar, and was blessed by one of my closest friends with a beautiful croning ritual. Again, all is well.
I started tarot and magickal classes again last month, but had to cancel magickal classes for lack of attendance. Tarot classes are coming along fabulously. We also had an open moon circle in June, and will have another one this week. Planning on the next two months to have them also. We're still having the moon circles at Lake Marble and Granite. My real dream (and plan) is to be able to build an open pole barn on my 10 acres sometime next year, with a bathroom, and have gatherings out there. Any connections, contacts and volunteers will be appreciated. I will also be working on a labyrinth sometime this winter. I can see it clearly in my minds eye, and it is divine.
On a finishing note, I want to thank my sweet friends, Tom and Anne. They have been so generous with gifts of time, energy, and even shopping bags! Tom gives me 'reviews' of my mailings and website regularly (he's one of those crazy computer people) and has helped me out a lot. I truly appreciate it.
May anyone who reads this be blessed with some of the unlimited joy that has woven itself into my tapestry of life... Blessed Be.
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